A long painful absence

Well I haven’t been here for the longest time! So much has happened and I guess I wanted to play ostrich for a while, but try as u might…u always end up coming up for air, and that’s when it all hits you. Life that is…in case I’m losing you in my metaphors!

So they say writing is therapeutic and putting it ‘out there’ is supposed to help, so dear reader,  you ready to journey with me and help to ease my troubled heart?

I am the mother of the most amazing, beautiful funny, curious and very challenging little girl. I love the time I have with her and fear that I will never be enough of a mother for her. She has soo much potential yet how do I draw that out? But that’s not today’s story! Today’s story is about how I imagined this gift from Allah SWT running around, building duvet tents, having water fights, swapping penny sweets and hoarding precious toys away from her brothers and sisters.

Alas, it seems that this dream is not my destiny. Try as I might I, or should I say biology, keeps failing. This year I went through my 4th failed pregnancy and this was the most bittersweet of all!  As I child I had dreamed of being a mother to twins, when I met my husband he also loved the idea of being parents to 2 superb miracles of Allah SWT. So every now and again we would make dua that if it was right for us, could Allah SWT bless us with this most amazing gift!  And at the end of last year it seemed our dream was coming true. I was pregnant, we had managed to get past the critical 12 week period and I was carrying 2 blessed little hearts.

Qadr of Allah was that my beloved babies left this world when they reached 20 weeks of age. 20 weeks! When I look at my daughter, 20 weeks is a drop in the ocean yet the bond I have with my son and daughter is just as strong. I feel them, my arms ache to hold them, my lap yearns to feel them lying before me, my eyes see them with every blink and my fingertips so gently caress their soft delicate skin. Ya Rabb, I wish i had held and cuddled them more than I did when they were born. I am so sorry my darlings that I did not love you enough while you were with me.

Wow… I’m beginning to sound so not like me. I’m a Brit, stiff upper lip and all that!!

And here comes the block…don’t feel too much, don’t let the flood gates open. The trickling leak is easier to handle right? When I lost my gorgeous totally unappreciated mother that was the tactic. When I had the ectopic I thought, its ok, its bad luck, better luck next time.

And now this….and I just can’t seem to deal. I have this fabulous box, its bare on the outside, but made of reclaimed wood, because I really do love my woods! But its bare, and it has a very tight-fitting lid. This box resides in the depth of my heart and its filled with all the hurt and pain because well, you know, I live a good life, so what right do I have to complain or hurt or be so incredibly ungrateful? (Am I waffling now?)

This therapy is harder than I thought! OK let’s go back to the facts! That’s easier to cope with. Ok so here’s my infertility bio.

I’m 37 years old, my first pregnancy was spontaneous and totally amazingly successful. After this I fell pregnant after 3 years to miscarry before 8 weeks. A year and a half later, same thing.  Doctors gave me the ‘unexplained infertility’ label and off I went to decide what next?!

Next came the fertility doc, a matter of fact, hurried, no time for bedside manners kind of guy who told me I don’t actually have PCOS, it’s actually insulin resistance which in turn leads to infertility. Interesting huh!  So I started metformin, changed diet, increased cardio activities and attempted IUI. Guess what! I fell pregnant! Yaay! Not really, the high lasted 24 hours after which I discovered it was an ectopic, that ruptured and I had emergency surgery and thankfully lost only the tube, not the ovary.

Oh well, that was bad luck, never mind. So after taking time out to recover, we decided lets not risk the other tube and lets go straight to IVF. All was great, 11 eggs were harvested, 10 were potential and 5 were grade As! So we decided to implant 3 and see how things go.

Morning sickness came quick and was followed by the fabulous confirmation that I had 2 healthy looking embryos growing inside me. Every scan was great, their growth was great, the nuchal test was great. Great, great, great! Then I reached 19 weeks, and something was just not right. Next thing, amniotic fluid everywhere (sorry for the graphics!) And off to hospital we went!

One of the sacs had ruptured, they wanted to induce both, but then at the last-minute said maybe there was a chance to save one of the babies so lets just wait and see. Late that night, I delivered a perfect, dainty, button-nosed little princess named Maryam. Her heart beat was loud and strong but with no lungs the minute she left my body her life was no more.  Ok , well its Qadr of Allah, and I wanted her but inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’oun right? To Allah we belong and to Allah is our return.

So I kissed her and let her go, she was with Allah now. I  focused my attention on the little baby inside, still strong, still with mama who was already completely in love with her precious babies!

(Is this a good time to tell you I’m not one of those soft, soppy mums? I really am the dry-wit, stiff upper lift, life’s hard get on with it. But my rational being seems to have deserted me. )

I prayed all night, my husband prayed all night but in the morning, despite and incredibly strong heartbeat, the second sac ruptured. Say goodbye mummy, I have to leave now. And just after mid-day there went my prince, my son Mohammed, so strong and proud, firm, yet sensitive and  oh so charming, just like his Dad!  I could see the man he could have been, the boy I would have learned the off-side rule for, the baby who took my breath away! He was leaving me to join Ya Khaliq and his sister!  Who was I to resist that? What could I offer that could anyway compare the beauty of jannah and the company of the righteous.

My husband’s eyes lost their light and it felt like his anger had scorched any love he might have left for me. So being the heart of the home, off I went, trying to accept and be of the sabireen (patient ones) and accept the beautiful gift of 2 children already in Jannah! Could a mother ask for anything more for her children?

Now I needed to be a consoling and supporting wife and strong and loving mother to my little princess at home. And I tried, oh I tried, but I couldn’t reach my husband. He was so far away and all the visitors that descended upon us, loved as they all are, just gave him opportunity to run the other way. He’s slowly walking back and hopefully we’ll meet on the same path someday soon!

My daughter is a healer beyond all measure and again her little soul was a source of comfort and inspiration to me. What a precious gift you already blessed me with Ya Rabb!

Yet, that box, you know the one made of the gorgeous, rustic reclaimed wood? I filled it with all the pain and heartache and trusted that time will heal all. Plus you have to accept the will of your Lord, and I do! I really do, I just can’t keep the lid shut, it flies open and sends me reeling!  I just can’t get it to stay shut.  What do I do now? Someone please tell me………

Searching for the quiet connection…

In today’s society it’s so elusive.  Where can you find the a moment of peace, where you can languish in the stillness of your mind, the quiet within your soul.  It seems to be something that is forever just out of my reach. I know it’s just in front but I can’t quite touch it.

I just watched the Sandra Bullock movie, All about Steve. She plays a crossword constructor! Highly intelligent, so much so that she can’t stop talking, telling anyone who will listen the incessant train of thoughts that run at high-speed thru her mind. Naturally, most don’t have the patience to listen, but of course in the end she finds a few that do and therein finds that her peace lay in finding good friends who just get you.

Juxtaposing this idea is the book, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Here you have a woman who seeks refuge in an ashram in India.  One part of her quest is to find God, through solitary meditation,  to connect with him, to feel him. Now her path is a very yogic path but on some levels I see some alignment with Islamic ideology. Are we also not trying to connect with our Rabb, to totally submit to the leap of faith we have taken in accepting all that is Islam. To find that connection in our salah, to reach a state of khushoo, is this not what they are seeking as well.  I really connected with some of her ideas, esp the one about not just being an automaton asking God for things, but really waiting, connecting and when you make that prayer (dua) it is one that is authentic, one you feel from your core and you are asking for, with all of you connected, channeled to this conversation with God (Allah).

And so we come to me, a girl on her prayer mat, trying not to spout out an empty dua, Allah save our ummah, alleviate the suffering, give health to the ill etc etc. Of course I mean all these wider duas, I really do, but sometimes there is a disconnect so now I’m trying to reach inside and make that dua specific and really count. But before I can even get to that, there is the struggle of the mind while reading salah. Sometimes I stand there and boy does my mind wander! I’ve designed outfits, thought up curriculums, composed emails and even argued with myself while stood in my qiyaam! All the while, totally missing the point of my salah. To connect, to have those moments of peace with my Lord, my Creator, My Pardoner, my Guide!

I am trying to get my daughter all excited about salah so I tell her stories of how the angels have come to stand with her while she prays and how Allah loves to hear a child worshipping to him, wanting to please him and how lucky we are that our Allah has given us 5 times in a day where we can leave everything else behind and have this time for us, moments of peace and quiet filled with the beauty of the Quran. (Of course these concepts are explained in 5 yr old speak! ) And while I tell her, sometimes I feel like such a fraud, if I know all this, then when I have my time, why is there no peace? Why is it my mind races around like a rabbit trapped in a tunnel?

So the last few days I’m trying something new, I start with contemplating on one of the names of Allah and how this quality of Allah has touched my life for I have been blessed abundantly with his mercies and beneficence. Alhumdhulillah. And I am trying to finish with dua that is truly authentic, dua that I read from my heart for me!  And where I can and of course when I remember, I’m trying to implement sunnahs where I can in the hope that a change in my actions will facilitate the change in my state of mind.  Lets hope it works! Pray for me!!!

Muta’ah

I was reading a blog on Muslims talking about sex and hiw important intimate ‘halaal’ relations are to a marriage. I was really encouraged by some of the articles in the series but slightly disturbed by one of the comments. One of the readers suggested we should make more use of the ‘social contract’ of mutah!

Now my limited understanding of this concept is that this is a form of mini-nikaah and is something that is not prevalent in sunni practice but found used by other sects, namely shia.  I also understand it to be a means to make halaal the conversations and meetings of the ‘to be weds’.  Please do enlighten me someone!! Am I right/wrong?

Now what the rumour mill tells me is that many employ this concept to enjoy intimate relations with girlfriends, prostitutes etc. Is this really true??

Do they really belive this was the intention of the provision?  I mean really come on!!  No wonder our ummah is in such a mess if we can manipulate to this extent!!

I’d like to know more and would love people to point me in the right direction to understand this concept a bit more and its place in today’s society.

Isn’t the web amazing!

Don’t you just love the internet!!

I’ve just spent the last hour watching ‘how to..’ tutorials on wearing the hijaab.  It was such fun and definitely inspired me to funk up my hijab style!!  Thanks sisterz!!  Loved it… nearly as therapeutic as a shopping trip!!

Here’s the link in case ur interested:

http://www.youtube.com/user/Amenakin#p/c/516BB4BDB31618D1/8/A8Eojhz1gdE

Beasts walking in our midst!

How is it they are allowed to walk amongst us?  How did they become that way?  Were they born like that, did something happen to them to make them this way? DO WE CARE???

I am normally the compassionate one. I am motivated by trying to understand what led a person to react this way and how do we help them to get to a more positive place. Partly my job and partly my nature I guess.

But on the subject of child abuse, like many of us,  my tolerance levels crash to beyond zero. There is no tolerance and I really do feel these animals should be shot!   I do not feel society should tolerate, rehabilitate or support these people. O Allah please forgive me for judging where I am not worthy!!!!

What they do, have done is sick. What kind of mind convinces itself it ok to act on such base desires or motivations???  And then….its one thing to think such things but to then inflict it on another!

Sorry to rant but these last few weeks stories have been coming out that just reignited my anger and more than that, my deep heartfelt pain for the victims and their families.

There was a 4-year-old boy, raped on the day of Eid, in the toilets of a musalla. A four-year old boy, raped and murdered after the beast had finished with him. His life tossed aside like an empty coke can!

Its soul-sickening to imagine while our precious angels were laughing and playing, revelling in the delights and joy that Eid brings to must families…… this poor sweet soul was being tortured, hurt beyond comprehension and then murdered for the base satisfaction of a beast!  The anguish of his parents….as a neutral outsider my world seems ripped apart, can you imagine their torment?

I commend the parents for refusing the blood money and accepting the shariah punishment of the death penalty.   We should not tolerate these animals! If he had been of the 4 legged variety, there would have been no question…the rabid dog would have been put down on sight!!

You know, it’s not even anger that motivates these thoughts within!  Its despair, pain in the soul that society is  so degraded. Life has no value, children have no value, right and wrong has no value.

Don’t get me wrong,I’m not naive!  I know evil has existed since time began and society is periodically rocked by baser times. I just feel that now we live in a society, made worse by its globalisation and voyeuristic nature, where the lines of correct behaviour have been blurred so much that people think they can get away with so much.  In fact some even feel its their right of individual freedom to be able to act and do as they please!

And whats our reaction, well we tolerate, actually no we accept into society norms against nature like single sex marriage while vilifying a woman for choosing to cover herself. When we encourage such degradation and attack efforts at modesty is it any wonder that we are rearing beasts and allowing them to walk amongst us??

Did you read about the Brazilian step- father who inserted over 30 sewing needles into the body of a 2-year-old to get back at his wife. And this at the instruction of his mistress!! That poor child, what defence did he have? And can you imagine his pain? This man would insert 2-3, sometimes 10 needles at a time in the hope that slowly they would work their way into the child and kill him!!!  Ya Allah save the children of this world from these beasts! Grant them your protection!!

How can you rehabilitate someone like that, how can you punish him into reform? I do not know what Shariah law dictates but in my present state of mind, I hope its harsh!!  It wasn’t a one time event, there were a number of premeditated occasions where he got the boy drunk, waited for him to pass out and then pushed these sewing needles into his body, deep so they were out of sight. So deep that surgeons spent over five hours extracting just four needles that had travelled to his heart and lungs!

May Allah make recovery easy for the child and grant the  mother strength, sabr and hidayaat to be able to protect her children.

Sorry for the rant, it’s just been building up for weeks now! I needed to get it out and maybe I’ve started this blog not just as a means to record or debate things I am considering but also as a form of therapy for myself. To work out these disturbances in the  soul!

The Gift of a Child

I’m not even sure where to begin on this topic. SO many things have been going around in my mind this week with regards to this.

For a start I have this beautiful gift of a child, given to me by Allah (Subhanallah wa ta ala – SWT) over five years ago. She truly is a blessing, sometimes a challenging one (aren’t they all) but truly the light of my life. And on our journeys in the car we seem to have some truly insightful moments. This is where little nuggets of the thought processes of her developing mind seem to spill forth. And this is when as a mother I start to panic. I realise how much without realising we shape their minds….and sometimes when they put our 2+2 together it certainly does not equal 4!

For example, her current discovery that there is more than one religion. Her poor little mind is not yet equipped to deal with the concept of different belief sets or the option to choose your own version of right. How do I explain Christmas to a child who all this time I’ve been telling Islam is the right way, the only way! And now I have to explain other religions, the choice others have made to follow a different set of beliefs. That ( cue 5 yr old -shock, horror) not all people listen to Allah (SWT)!

How do you explain such a complex subject in simple 5 year old language?  So at the moment we haven’t got into the why’s and wherefores of religious choice (thankfully!!) And I’ve just stated the world is filled with different people choosing different ways to believe. The we talked about People of the book and the choice to follow Prophet Isa (Allayhi wa salaam – AS), Musa (AS), Nuh (AS) etc. An d how we’re lucky to have been given the gift of knowledge thru Prophet Muhammad (Sallalahi allayhi wa salaam – SAW), who was the nicest, most beloved Prophet of all.  She’s bought it for now, but I know that mind is ticking away and the questioning is about to start so I need to get my wits about me soon!

Any advice dear readers?

As for the other thoughts swirling in the midsts, I think they warrant their own blog posts, so back soon!

The start!

Well…this is new to me!

FOr so long I’ve thought about keeping a journal, writing a book…numerous projects that the heart dreams of but the mind just doesn’t quite put into action! Today, not sure what heppened but one thing led to another, and that led to another and here I am starting my first blog!!

Bear with me…i’ll try to make the muddle of my thoughts somewhat intriguing and will be relying on you lovely readers to help out with comments, questions and suggestions!

But right now in true housewife style, I have to run to the store and grab some groceries. Back soon with some literary nuggets I hope!!